The Debaters

00:01 Hi there, Steve Patterson here, host of The Debaters, and we've got some good news to share. Our show has been nominated for a Signal Award for the best live podcast recording. So if you're a listener and you'd like to help out, please vote. Just follow the link in the show notes. Voting closes on October 15th. Thanks in advance. It's always good to practice voting. 00:23 This is a CBC Podcast. 00:30 Hey, Canada! Trust us, we know what we're doing! From Edmonton, Alberta, home of the Bonnie Dune neighborhood, it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's bonnified hilarious, Steve Patterson! 00:55 Hey! 00:56 Thanks, Graham Clark! 00:58 Hello, Canada. Welcome back to The Debaters. We're very happy to be back here in Edmonton. Edmonton, a monumental city. 01:10 One of my favorite places to visit in your fair city is the statue of Bob and Doug McKenzie. 01:20 that commemorates the filming of SCTV right here in Edmonton. I love that, and I think, I hope everyone knows the call, so do it with me if you know it. I'll explain to you later, young people. 01:40 If you're too young to know what that noise means, you've probably looked at that statue and thought it was just a couple of Oilers fans who got drunk and froze to a bench after a game. 01:50 But no, Bob and Doug are classic Canadian characters based on classic Canadian hosers. So kids, be respectful. If you see pigeons perching on Bob and Doug, do the right thing and tell those birds, take off, eh? 02:08 Yes! 02:11 Time now to meet two debaters from the Great White North. This Edmonton comic is thrilled to be of service. It's Henry Sir! Henry Sir! There he is, striding out purposely in a black cowboy hat to the podium on my left. 02:30 Hey, Stever. 02:31 Hey, welcome. 02:33 Welcome. 02:34 And this comic remodeled her living room to look like the USS Enterprise, which many thought was a bridge too far. It's Edmonton's Lisa Baker! 02:45 Lisa Baker in an all-Alberta battle. 02:52 This topic is one that we think is quite sensible. 02:56 Albertans, do they have the most common sense? Yes. 03:03 I think we can all agree on one thing Alberta has that makes the most sense. No sales tax. 03:13 No sales tax. I love that there's no PST out here. Because TAX makes me SAD. 03:20 It's enough to make a person CRY. And it reminds me that I should stock up on certain items while I'm out here. Like bottles of JD. 03:29 I'm kidding. 03:31 The better blended whiskey to have is Alberta Premium, or AP. 03:35 Time now for a debate that will be a feast for the common senses, and we'll use full words because initials don't seem to be getting this crowd going. 03:44 So, whereas they value individual responsibility, homegrown, hands-on solutions, and are skeptical of outside influences, be it resolved, Albertans have the most common sense. Henry, you are arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Henry, sir. 04:08 In Alberta, common sense is like oil and truck nuts. 04:13 We have the most. 04:17 What is common sense? It has many definitions. In finding one convenient to me, I did the most Elberton thing I could. 04:24 My own research. 04:35 According to universally trusted Wikipedia, Common sense means knowledge, judgment, and taste more or less universal, which is held without reflection. 04:45 What's more Albertan than loud confidence with all that pesky thinking? 04:52 Sure, our sense might not be sensible. But like an Albertan forklift driver with a one-syllable name like Gord, Rick, Ron, Rod, Wayne, Bob, Don, Gord, Gord, or of course, Gord. Gord. 05:09 It's very common. 05:11 And no one's sense is more common than Alberta's. It's consistent. Like the songwriting, dare I say, of, uh, Nickelback's Sir Chad Kroger. 05:25 Where does common sense sway the angry, fed-up, shake-the-system Albertan citizen upon 50 of the last 54 years under the failure of conservative leadership to keep voting the same? 05:39 Over and over again. 05:42 Why? We don't give up. 05:46 Common sense won't allow it. 05:49 Albertans are tough, rugged cowboys. Sure, you've never been on a horse and you work an office job making 400k a year, but yeah, Dwayne from Calgary, you're a cowboy. 06:05 We don't let government overreach bog us down. Never reevaluating is what common sense dictates, and Alberta loves dictators. 06:19 What we lack in sense, we make up for in our abundance of common. 06:33 Sense. The UCP undercuts education and health care. Common. What the hell, immigrants? 06:49 Sense. Global affordability crisis suggests limiting spending. Common. My angry, suggestive Trudeau stickers on my new boat I can't drive cost money. Thanks a lot, Trudeau. 07:02 Don't even get me started on Carney. 07:05 The communist. 07:09 Common sense right there, baby. 07:13 World Economic Forum. Globalist bankers. 07:20 Rampant communism. 07:23 Alberta. 07:24 White on the sense. 07:26 Heavy on the common. 07:28 Thanks, Stever. 07:33 Henry Sir says Albertans have the most common sense. Now, here to tell us why, to her, the argument that Albertans have the most common sense is just pure nonsense, let's hear from Albertan Newfoundlander, Lisa Baker. 07:56 I love Alberta. It's my home. 07:58 But sometimes Alberta can be a tough place to live, especially when you know how to read. 08:10 And you quickly learn that Alberta and common sense parted ways a long time ago. 08:15 Nowhere else have I seen people treat an economic boom like winning the lottery. 08:21 I'm not joking, like they're buying up ATVs, truck nuts, Oakley glasses. I used to work in repossession, I can tell you, that business is booming. 08:31 And every time I'd hear an Albertan say, those newfies are stealing our jobs, I'd say, that's not the best of it, I'm taking your truck too. 08:47 The Alberta government behaves the same way. Case in point, the $600,000 talus balls. They claim the balls reflect the landscape on a freeway in the middle of Edmonton. 09:05 How many guardrails do they think we need to see? 09:10 People have asked me what they're supposed to represent, and I tell them they represent Alberta's long and consistent history of wasting money. 09:18 But Lisa, art is subjective. 09:21 Not this piece. 09:23 It's objectively ridiculous and a potential safety hazard. 09:28 Alberta also claims to be rat-free, something I've never understood as either a flex or a fact. 09:35 Common sense would dictate that isn't really possible in a landlocked province, but Albertans will argue it's true with equal parts passion and astounding ignorance. 09:44 Do they really believe rats get to the border and go, oh no, Alberta, better go around. 09:57 There is even a rat squad to hunt them. This is what the government is spending money on, okay? And if we complain, they just throw $100 bills at us. 10:08 Look, we need doctors, not money to buy more true religion jeans or tap out shirts. Thank you. 10:18 Lisa Baker is arguing that Albertans do not have the most common sense and getting a lot of support from the crowd here in Alberta. 10:29 If you came up to me to repossess my truck in Alberta, first of all, I would think I had driven it drunk to Newfoundland. That would confuse me. 10:39 Lisa Baker, ladies and gentlemen, we got ourselves a debate. 10:45 Time now for the bare-knuckle round. We're debating Albertans having common sense, and from where I'm sitting, this is a fair view. 10:55 So, throw your medicine hat into the ring, and let's really make this one for the Brooks. 11:03 Otherwise, you've Innis failed. 11:06 And just might end up getting bamf from this show. 11:11 Okotoksy! It's... Time to start now! 11:22 I just gotta say, it really bothers me how many people use this landlocked excuse like that's the reason we can't do stuff. Like what? Independence, why not? 11:32 What could go wrong, Lisa? 11:35 Give me one historical anecdote as to why being a landlocked, oil-rich country that's vulnerable Might go bad. 11:50 I can just literally repeat your statements verbatim and win this. 11:58 You know, and while I'm there, Alberta is bringing back measles. It was bad enough when it was syphilis, okay? Okay. 12:12 What is your obsession with vintage diseases? 12:19 We're conservative, Lisa. We're conserving history. 12:26 Okay. 12:28 We're bringing it back to the good old days. Little Sally in the picket fence. Little polio. 12:34 We're making measles great again, is what we're doing. 12:44 I gotta say, like, sure, sure, you can use the whole measles thing. I don't really appreciate you talking about our TELUS balls. Those things are spectacular. It's part of Albertan culture, okay? We have balls. Everything has balls. Our trucks have balls. 13:00 Our roads have balls. Everything in Alberta has balls except for the government. 13:14 I just, he keeps talking, you know? And I just, I'm like sweet, gentle redeemer. I don't even need to be here. 13:26 This is so typical of the left trying to silence me, Lisa. 13:29 All right. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. Thank you. 13:38 It's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on Albertans having the most common sense brought to you by the phrase, yeah, no, for sure. The common sense Alberta way to say yes. 14:01 Here we go. 14:02 In April 2026, the Alberta government made what common sense change to Highway 2 south of Leduc? 14:10 Henry. 14:11 More billboards saying the earth is flat. 14:20 Listen to that crowd. 14:23 Four points. Four. 14:25 Imaginary points. Enjoy them. 14:28 Lisa. They surrounded the town with big, shiny balls. 14:39 Incorrect, but I've got to take a look at these on the way out of town. 14:43 April 2026, the Alberta government raised the speed limit on Highway 2 South to 120 kilometers an hour, which is 60% as fast as trucks were going on that road already. 14:57 The website Common Sense Alberta describes itself as a platform for Albertans who want serious political conversation that respects working people, takes ideas seriously, and is unafraid to what... 15:10 Lisa. 15:11 Watch Brokeback Mountain at Stampede with no headphones. Love is love. 15:21 Good answer. 15:23 Serious political conversation that respects working people, takes ideas seriously, and is unafraid to defend the province's interests within Canada. 15:34 Love is love, Steve. Love is love. 15:37 Henry. It's a trick question. They are unemployed and have no credentials of any kind. 16:00 Incorrect, but I liked it. Lisa? The Ringling Brothers Circus. 16:06 I'll give you an extra point for singing it, because that really drove it home. Nope, nope, they are all members of chartered professional accountants, so have fun getting audited, suckers. 16:22 That's the firing line, everybody. 16:26 We are cruising towards our conclusion, and it's almost time for our beautiful Horowitz Theatre audience to place their votes. But first, here to knock some sense into you that Albertans actually lack common sense, let's hear again from Lisa Baker. 16:41 I was a bit nervous going into this, mostly because I still have to live here. 16:52 But I don't really have any sense of self-preservation. 16:55 And honestly, that's probably proof that common sense stops at the Alberta border. 17:00 But really, no one's paying attention to me. I still believe the earth is round and climate change is real like a friggin' liberal sheep. 17:08 I refuse to buy truck nuts or plaster my car in decals announcing my romantic intentions with our Prime Minister. 17:23 I don't worship oil unless it's for cooking fish and chips. 17:27 And I like drugs, especially the free ones in the form of a vaccine. 17:33 Even Wayne Gretzky had the presence of mind to take his concussions and run. 17:38 It's a well-known fact that Alberta has never had much use for common sense. 17:41 They have Stanley cups and balls, big, big balls. 17:49 Thank you. 17:50 Lisa Baker, everybody. 17:53 Lisa Baker, giving it to us straight. Now, here to tell us why if Jane Austen were Albertan, she would have written Common Sense and Sensibility. 18:02 Absolutely. 18:05 Let's hear again from Henry Sir. 18:10 If it's okay, Stever, I'm going to do my closing argument through the majesty of song. 18:15 Oh, yeah. Here we go. A guitar has magically appeared. 18:21 I have no idea how to play it. 18:22 Okay. 18:24 Henry's putting it on. 18:25 This is a song about Alberta, an abbreviated song about Alberta by an Albertan. 18:33 Oh, Alberta, that's me home, where the F-150s roam. 18:41 Where the tandem's plenty and the reading level's getting low. 18:46 Where facts are optional, a hoax for liberals. Alberta, sweet Alberta, let's me home. Dress like a cowboy, I don't know why. 19:01 You work in sales, live in a high rise. Harley Davidson jacket, you don't own a bike. 19:11 Real men drink real beer. 19:13 Get me a Bud Light. I mean a friggin' Coors Light. Bud Light's friggin' woke, eh? You see what Kid Rock said? Frig that. 19:27 Driving fast and I'm peeling gas and I'm crushing beer and I'm kicking ass. All I want is to be a man and to wear it on my sleeves. I'm spitting facts and I'm making cash and I'm ripping quads, got tribal tats. Truck nuts, dumps trucks, hitting libs with my truck, overcompensating masculinity. Oh, Alberta, that's me home where the F-150s roam. 19:53 When it snows outside, I'll blame it sad and outdated ways i'll spend all of my days in alberta sweet alberta that's me home henry sir ladies and gentlemen henry sir i just want to say steve that musical comedy is one of the lowest forms of comedy 20:24 It's just a step above puns, really. Let's burn it all down. That's what I would say, too, if I was about to lose to it in a vote. All right. 20:36 It's time for the audience to vote. By applause, who agreed with Lisa that Albertans having the most common sense is just nonsense? Lisa Baker. That's nice to point. Thank you. 20:52 That's nice to point. And how many of you have the horse sense to agree with Henry? Albertans have the most common sense. Henry, sir. 21:03 It's pretty close, but we got to give this one to Henry, sir. Albertans have the most common sense. 21:10 Big hand for Henry, sir, and Lisa Baker, ladies and gentlemen. 21:19 You're listening to CBC's The Debaters. Want access to bonus content and information on upcoming tour dates? Then be sure to follow us on Instagram. You can find us at atCBCDebaters. 21:31 What if I told you that most of history's underwear wasn't remotely close to the underwear you're wearing right now? Hi, I'm Greg Jenner, host of the You're Dead to Me podcast, and we're back with a brand new season. And if you're a fan of fashion trends of the past, you'll love our newest episode on the history of underwear. We explore how our underwear has changed throughout history and whether TV depictions of Regency era ladies in their lacy underwear are truly accurate. Listen on bbc.com or wherever you get your podcasts. 22:04 Hey Edmonton, are you ready to meet your next pair of debaters? Listen to that crowd, Canada. Let's get them out here. 22:15 This comic thinks old-fashioned film developing is weird, but maybe they're just focusing on the negatives. It's Because News' Jan Caruana! 22:26 Come on out, Jan! 22:28 Hi, Jan. Welcome back. Thank you. Always great to have Jan on the show. So nice to be here. And this comic wore a parka while house painting in the winter, but soon needed a second coat. It's Vancouver's Oladetta. 22:45 There he is, looking smart and ready as he crosses the stage to my right. 22:52 Hey, Steve. Hey, buddy. Welcome back. 22:55 Debaters, your topic is one that might get a little hairy. Mustaches? Are they superior to beards? 23:08 We're debating facial hair. 23:10 Facial hair here, which dismisses men like me who are unable to grow thick hair on their face. Except for my eyebrows, which keep growing at a record pace. 23:21 If I want the mustache look, my best bet is to just let my eyebrows grow until they meet. 23:27 Then draw eyes and a nose on my forehead. 23:35 Thank you. 23:38 I also commend my ear hair for trying its best to grow long enough to connect at my chin and create a beard. 23:44 Because you can't spell beard without ear. 23:49 That's true fact. All right, time for a debate that we think will be a close shave. So, there it is. 23:58 So, whereas they take less time to grow, are more iconic in pop culture and history, and offer a wide range of casual and formal styles, be it resolved that mustaches are superior to beards. Jan, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Jan Caruana. Jan Caruana. 24:18 Thank you, Steve. 24:21 Close your eyes. 24:23 Clear your brain. 24:25 What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you hear the name Tom Selleck? 24:32 Short shorts? 24:34 Hawaiian shirts? 24:36 Or do you picture a mustache? What about beloved Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek? What is a mustache? 24:46 and Winnipeg's most famous son, Burton Cummings. 24:50 I'll tell you what you're thinking. 24:53 These eyes cry every night for you. 25:01 You're thinking of those lyrics caressing your ears because they have been filtered through possibly the most glorious mustache Winnipeg has seen since Louis Riel. LAUGHTER Why? 25:18 Because the mustache is a sign of non-conformity, rebellion, a badge of courage that once you see, it is impossible to unsee. 25:28 In fact, mustaches have become so iconic, there is a whole month dedicated to them. Every year, we celebrate Movember in support of men's health. No one I know pops a cork for Febbeardwary. Ha! 25:43 The mustache is a tantalizing little peekaboo, covering up just enough face that you want to get a closer look, but leaving enough uncovered that there are no surprises when the face is shorn. A mustache makes you wonder, hmm, what's hiding under there? A beard forces you to ask, ah, what's hiding under there? 26:09 So whether it's a walrus, chevron, or handlebar, don't be afraid to grab on. Because if someone is offering mustache rides, brother, I'm the first in line. Thank you. 26:27 Woo! 26:28 Jan Carwana. 26:32 Thank you, Jan. Now, here to counter Jan's mustache musings with a not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin, let's hear from Oladada. 26:45 We all attribute a beard to wisdom, strength, and kindness. A beard is the neck warmer of the Adam's apple, the teddy bear of the face, the blindfold of the neck. 26:58 You know, the mustache is the caterpillar of the lip. Yuck. 27:03 What a complicated way to say hairy lip. 27:08 I would love the mustache also if I didn't have an upper lip. 27:13 Because we all know that's why you have the mustache. 27:16 I see you mustache. 27:20 Who doesn't like a beard? Just say you don't like Santa Claus. 27:24 We've seen the guy chopping some wood with some plaid out there with a clean shave and a mustache. No. 27:33 A beard, okay? 27:36 The word mustache is French. 27:38 And that's all we all love, the French, right? 27:47 You know, the mustache is so lame that we didn't even bother to change it to English. 27:52 We told the French, you can have this one. 27:57 Okay. 28:00 The only time it's acceptable for you to have a mustache is if it's Halloween or you're running away from the law. 28:13 You can have a shadow of a beard and that looks sexy. 28:17 The shadow of a mustache looks creepy. 28:26 The mustache is only suitable for a cat, and only because it has six mustaches alone. 28:32 We don't even call it a mustache on a cat, we call it whiskers. 28:36 Because even a cat doesn't want to be associated with a mustache. 28:43 A mustache on the face is like Red Deer, Alberta. 28:53 The best part of it is its name. 28:56 Thank you. 28:57 Okay. 28:58 Hola, dada. 29:02 All right. 29:05 It is time now, debaters, for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating mustaches versus beards, so it's time to razor little hell. 29:16 Show us why stubble's your middle name. 29:19 And really make them bristle. 29:22 And if you think you can just whisker sweet nothings, Well, shave your breath. 29:29 It's time to put your heart and soul patch into this, starting now. 29:35 Okay, I got a question for you. Would you rather be chased by a person with a mustache or a person with a beard? 29:53 We don't usually devolve into other games in the middle of the debate. 29:58 I'll answer it, Steve. Sure. I think I'd rather be chased by someone with a mustache because a mustache draws attention to a man's kissable lips. 30:07 A beard points to what? Nipples? 30:11 What am I supposed to do with that? 30:14 Look, if beards are so great, explain the goatee. It's named after an animal that eats garbage and is worn by Satan. 30:23 Okay, I see what you're saying. But a beard is Canadian. You know, it shields the neck from frostbite. 30:30 Yeah, but only 33% of men can grow a full beard. And that's why we have so many wars. 30:38 All right. 30:40 That's the Bare Knuckle Round. Thank you. 30:44 We're debating mustaches versus beards, and it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on beards versus mustaches, brought to you by sideburns. 30:57 Sideburns, which ironically can be quite cool. 31:03 Sideburns. 31:06 Cool. 31:11 According to the website Barberette, during medieval times, the mustache was a symbol of what and what? 31:18 Jan? 31:19 Courage and perimenopause. 31:29 There it is. Hell, five points. They're not real anyway. Five points, Jan. That was a big win. 31:38 Hola. 31:39 Uh, burgers and fruit crumbs. 31:45 No. No claps for that? No. 31:48 Yeah, I got one. One point. 31:53 Minus two points for trying to give yourself a point. 31:58 During medieval times, the mustache was a symbol of nobility and chivalry. 32:04 We also would have accepted lack of Gillette marketing and shorter life expectancy. 32:10 Halloweencostumes.com's list of the most iconic beards ever includes Santa Claus, Walter White's from Breaking Bad, and who else? Hola. Jesus Christ. 32:27 You know what? That's not what I have here, but that's a pretty good one. 32:31 Yeah. 32:34 The most iconic beards ever, according to HalloweenCostumes.com. Santa Claus, Walter White from Breaking Bad, and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. 32:44 Finish this 2022 quote from Justin Trudeau. For many of us, including me, the beard is associated with what? Jan? Speaking moistly. Two points. 33:05 Hola? A free bib? 33:07 It's not what I have, but full point. No, he said that the beard was associated with the very tough time of lockdowns and pandemic. I really hope I don't bring it back. 33:21 We also would have accepted the beard was associated with Fidel Castro, who, again, is not my real father. That is the firing line, everybody. Thank you. 33:35 It's almost time for our Horowitz Theater audience to vote, but first, here again, to positively play off beards against mustaches. Let's hear again from Ola Dada. 33:50 The best part of a mustache is when it's shaved off in a sink. 33:54 How can a mustache be superior when it's less hair than a beard? 33:59 Who's ever looked at hair and be like, yeah, I'm so glad I have much less of this? 34:09 Something you'll never hear. Wow, I cannot wait to go to Turkey to get this new mustache implant. 34:16 How could a mustache be superior when it can only exist in the absence of a beard? A beard is just a beard, regardless of a mustache. 34:25 There's a special place for people who have mustaches, and they're not allowed anywhere close to schools. 34:33 Thank you, guys. 34:36 Okay. 34:38 Dada. 34:40 Now, here selecting from her stash of supportive stash statements, let's hear again from Chan Karwana. Thank you. 34:51 Imagine with me again. 34:54 Egypt, 2550 BC. You are Prince Rehotep. Catching a glimpse of yourself mid-shave, you demand your servants stop. But your highness, we've ridden your face of all hair except above your lip. We are not yet done. Silence, you roar. 35:12 You are done. Leave me with this gorgeous mouth pyramid, for it rules and so do I. 35:22 Prince Rahotep was the first documented mustache in history, but he would not be the last. 35:28 The mustache is a curtain through which secrets are whispered. 35:34 Some say, I can fix that Toyota Camry. 35:41 Others say, I can ride a penny farthing. 35:46 Whether worn ironically, earnestly, or by some of our most respected pornographers, The mustache continues to leave an indelible mark on our hearts and minds. Thank you. 35:58 Jan Caruana. 36:05 I love it, because it's a combination of research and then absolute nonsense. I love it. 36:11 Perfect. All right. It is time to vote. By applause, how many of you thought that Jan gained the upper lip and won by a hair? Jan Caruana. Yeah. 36:24 Pretty big. 36:26 And how many of you thought that Ola kept his chin up with a cheeky argument backing Beard's Ola Dada? 36:37 It was close. It was well fought on each side, but I gotta give this one to Jan Caruana. Jan Caruana, mustaches over beards. Big hand for Jan Caruana and Ola Dada, everybody. 36:49 Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying to beard or not to beard is the question we just debated. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night. 37:02 The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. 37:15 Technical production by James Perella and Corey Haverstock. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Leigh Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Horowitz Theatre in Edmonton. 37:34 For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.