Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast

00:00 It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast, don't you know? 00:10 Look out the left, the captain said. That light down there is where we'll land. Not the other one. This is Frank off the radio. 00:23 I'm joined by Bryony Kimmings and Vittorio Angelone. 00:27 Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio, avalonuk.com. Meanwhile, on WhatsApp... 00:40 very gothic this one 01:14 It's beautiful, but... 01:16 Completely illegible. Yeah, totally illegible. It's a terrible way to give someone a phone number. 01:21 Imagine doing that in a nightclub. Can I see you again? Yes, certainly. Because of course, sort of Roman Catholic nightclubs I go to, it's a common place. 01:35 Okay, it's 07457417769. That's what the actual number is. Vittorio and Bryony, I don't know you people. 01:47 We've met once. Have we? We have. Oh, God. Oh, no, it's one of those terrible moments. 01:53 I've never met you. 01:54 No, see. Okay. She didn't pretend. 01:59 Where did we meet Victoria? We met at James Taylor's birthday party, but not the famous James Taylor, Avalon agent manager, James Taylor. Okay, yes. Are you at Avalon then? Not anymore. 02:09 Oh, God, what a terrible start. Great to be here. 02:13 Skim over that. 02:14 Are you still at Avalon? Yes, I am. I love Avalon. We're at the same management company, but some people just got to be too big for their boots. I would love to be on Taskmaster. 02:25 I would just like you to know that I would still love to be on Taskmaster. Thank you, Avalon, for everything you did for me. 02:30 Do you think anyone has ever left boots and the staff have said they've got too big for their boots? Surely. I hope so. I really hope so. I believe in the staff of boots. If it hasn't happened, they should be fucking ashamed of themselves. 02:43 You should go and get a job there just so you can leave. 02:45 It's too big a price to pay, frankly. 02:49 So, Bryony, I was just in there. I had to phone my PA. I had to phone my PA to ask what kind of razor blades I used. 03:01 Frank. I know. 03:03 That's my life. 03:05 You were too big for boots at that point. That is crazy. 03:07 I certainly was. You're the only person phoning your PA in the whole shop. I think that's probably true. Yeah. Look, at least I'm upfront about these things. I knew sort of vaguely what they looked like. Metal and sharp? Yeah. 03:24 That's my PA. Yeah. 03:27 But yeah, I've got a review from the Metro, Vittorio says, will be a megastar. Yes, that was four years ago. 03:36 It hasn't happened yet. Well, it didn't say when. Post death. 03:40 Will be a megastar. They're very careful, these journalists. Never put a date on anything. Well, the newspaper, I suppose. 03:49 Yeah. 03:50 Famously, journalists always put the date on stuff. But you're doing an improv show up here. 03:54 I hate to, I loathe to call it an improv show. Okay, what do you call it? An improvised stand-up show. Okay. Oh, sod off. 04:03 No, but come on. 04:04 We know what the difference is. I'm not up there going, give me a location. Oh, no, no. Well, I'm doing an improvised stand-up show as well. 04:11 Did you know that? Yes, absolutely. And I'm doing it with two other comedians. 04:14 Why is everyone doing this now? What is this? 04:16 There's no work involved. 04:18 Well, yes. Also, James Taylor at Avalon came to see my improvised stand-up show. James Taylor is all over this podcast like a rack. He came and saw it at the Fringe and said, this is a great format. And then the very next year, Frank had a very similar format. 04:34 Oh, well, can I say? 04:36 I'm just a hired hand. It's not my idea. So if anyone stole it, don't look this way. 04:42 I didn't invent farting around on stage without any material. That's been a proud tradition of the Edinburgh Fringe for many moons. 04:48 No, but at least you're calling it that. 04:52 So that's on. I'm just saying this and you've got a stand-up show and also you're being interviewed. 04:58 Yes, they've really... Now has been phoning his PA to ask about his raise. 05:04 He's coming up to do an interview. 05:06 An in-conversation. What do you mean? It's like a series of interviews, live interviews at the Edinburgh Friends. 05:12 A series with you? 05:13 No, no, no. I'm just one amongst the series that includes... I haven't been asked. It's a kind of illustrious list. Because... 05:21 I think Andy Burnham's on it. 05:23 Is that why we're not on it? 05:24 Andy Burnham is the night after me. I don't think he is anymore. Is it in the comedy festival? I think that was booked in months ago and he's no longer. They can't be interviewing Andy Burnham. It's probably they've moved that one to Manchester. The stand comedy club. 05:35 There's no way that's happening the night after me. 05:39 Now, think of the security as well. Unbelievable. A bit more than for when Jimmy Carr comes off. I thought I said I don't know who that is. 05:45 I was thinking, who is that? For ages, I was thinking, who is that? 05:49 Who's Andy Burnham? 05:50 Then I remembered. It's the Prime Minister. I was trying to figure out, is it a comic? I was thinking of Bo Burnham. 05:56 It sounds like a comic. 05:58 Yeah, then I was like, it's not that big. Chill out. 06:01 Oh, the Prime Minister. 06:03 Yeah, that guy. 06:04 I don't think he can really cancel it now. 06:06 what burnham i don't think so he's booked in he's paid his deposit yeah exactly but i'm a bit nervous about that and in conversation like it's definitely an ego move to say yes to that no it's how we'd love to chat about your work in front of an audience well it says you're going to explain how you develop your material is that what it says yeah that's what it says on the blurb yeah i should read these things 06:31 They asked me and I said I'd just steal my ideas via my management from Vittorio Angelone. 06:40 I should say Bryony. I've seen Bryony. 06:43 I remember seeing one of your shows in Edinburgh and thinking, God, how much did this cost? 06:49 Oh. 06:49 Because, you know, when I come up, I just stand on sounds of the microphone. You had a fabulous set. 06:54 I'm not really a stand-up. 06:56 No, this was a theatrical event. 06:58 I'm a theatre maker. Yeah. That would make sense. 07:00 Yeah. Have you ever tried stand-up? 07:03 No. 07:04 Don't say it like that. If you asked me if I tried theatre, I wouldn't have gone... No, I didn't mean it. 07:09 I actually didn't mean it in a derogatory way. I mean, like, I find the thought of that very terrifying. Yeah, so do I. Having bits and bobs around that I can be like, look at that, instead of look at me. 07:18 It's a blurry line, though, isn't it? 07:21 Yeah, I mean, I'm funny. 07:23 And you're doing two shows this week, Bog Witch. 07:26 Bog Witch. 07:27 And Sex Idiot. 07:29 Sex Idiot I'm doing at the end, just a couple of times. 07:32 Okay. I've done a few sex idiots in my time. I'll be straight with you. 07:36 I've done a few sex idiots. 07:40 Those poor people. 07:42 I have a name, love. I mean, we're talking, you know, thousands. Anyway, I don't know how many. Can I just phone my PI for a figure? 07:52 No, don't phone her for that. Okay. How many sex idiots? 07:56 It's on a bit of paper somewhere in the house. I've written down how many sex idiots I've had. 08:01 So listen, I would never call them that. I bet you did. No, I did them. It was lightheartedly. I didn't come up with the phrase. Can I just say that? 08:12 It's just a show. I am. It's just a show. 08:15 I went to the cinema last night. I'm at the biggest arts festival in the world. I thought, what shall I do with my evening? I'll go to the cinema. When did you go and see? Odyssey. The Odyssey. The Odyssey. 08:29 I went to see it last week in Dublin. Oh yeah. Unreserved seating at the cinema. What? In Dublin. Wow. Delayed high cinema. So you just have to get there unbelievably early and like elbow people out of the way to get a nice seat. 08:41 I had to sit in the front row when I watched it. 08:43 That's too big. 08:44 It was pretty amazing though actually. It was pretty, it was kind of actually really cool. It's kind of like watching an IMAX. 08:51 Here, top tip. People on a budget. Yeah. Don't need to go to IMAX. Get down the front. It was so loud. 08:57 Wreck your neck. It was so loud. Was yours loud? 09:00 No, not very loud. Although it's quite a like... 09:03 Crap cinema. 09:05 Yeah, not crap. No, it's like trendy and like it's all a bit, you know. 09:09 I think I watched it last night because when you're just setting off on four weeks in Edinburgh, the story of a man who's been through trials and met monsters and is desperate to get home. I thought it would be good for me. Apt. 09:25 But I tell you something, it was so long, the film, and this is absolutely true, that when the lights came on at the end, I looked down and there was an empty popcorn carton at my feet and I thought, Oh God, I forgot I had popcorn. Honestly, I couldn't even remember whether it was sweet or salty. It had been so long ago. 09:49 I'm not sure if that was the film. 09:51 This was standard. It wasn't a small one. They don't let, in cinemas nowadays, they don't let you say small about popcorn sizes. It's regular, large or extra large. And I go, I know what this is. What is it? One of them is the smallest. 10:06 Oh, okay, so I'll just have a small one. 10:08 It's like tall when you get to Starbucks. Smallest is called tall. 10:13 That's so silly. 10:15 I mean, it just doesn't... 10:17 It's tall and then grande is medium. I don't go into the overseas categories. You don't. And then venti because it's 20 fluid ounces. Thank God you're here. 10:29 So can I ask, did you understand what was going on in the film? 10:32 Well, I've read the... Oh, sod off. Well, look, I'm sorry. 10:37 Well, I've read the Odyssey. I've read the Odyssey. Cover to cover a few times. Not a few times. So did you know what was going on? Did you know who everyone was? 10:47 Yeah, Matt Damon. 10:48 No, not that. I saw Matt Damon. Charlize Theron. 10:54 No, but who they were and what the sort of... Was that Louise Theron? Not Louise. 10:58 Calypso. 10:59 Louise Theron. Charlize. Oh, Charlene. Calypso, yeah. 11:02 That's the sister I was looking for. 11:05 Louise and Charlize. Oh, that was Calypso. 11:08 I was looking off the, I was thinking I've seen you in an advert and she was, wasn't she? She was in a big perfume advert. 11:15 Yeah, she was. 11:16 I did struggle with Charlize Theron in like a mythical thing. I struggle with the American accents as well, but there was just bits of it where I was like, like Charlize Theron does have perfume ad vibes and I did like, It just doesn't feel very ancient Greek. 11:29 Also, you'd just be like, I'll stay here, thanks, if you were with Shalisa on. 11:33 Well, it was just endless drugs. 11:35 Back home. 11:35 She might be no crack. 11:36 Or just, I mean, she might not be that funny, that's right. 11:39 Yeah. Endless drugs in Charlize Theron? Yeah. 11:43 Endless drugs? Oh, yeah, she was giving him drugs. The lotus flowers. Yeah. I liked Circe. It was her name, Circe, the Samantha Morton character. 11:51 You liked her? Well, I liked her. You liked the evil, poisonous pig transformer. 11:57 It's quite hard to find a female character I identify with in Christopher Nolan's films. 12:01 Okay. Do you do many poisonings? 12:03 I like to pull people's faces into different animals, pigs. That's my thing. 12:07 I wish I could do that. Yeah. Who would you do it to? I know people who looks as if I've had a go. 12:17 I went to see, you know, it rained. That was my thing. I got to Edinburgh and it rained and I went outside. so nice because i hadn't i've been in london for what you know and i hadn't seen rain for what's it been like two months or something i went out like when you see shots of people in the sahara going out to give thanks i actually went and stood in the rain at the end of the film holes and they're all just absolutely delighted with the downpour do you know holes no yeah we know holes in our family that sounds really that sounded sexual when i said that our family know holes very well Yeah. 12:51 I don't know why I said it like that. I think it's attached to my sex idiots list. Stop it. 12:57 I've seen the film Holes We Like It in my family. 12:59 I don't know that film. 13:01 Don't ever mention it again. 13:02 I'm sorry. 13:03 First on a book by Louis Sakai. Don't know him. Starring young Shia LaBeouf. 13:10 Let's not keep talking about it. 13:11 No. Stop saying names of things, proper nouns I'm not familiar with. Shia LaBeouf. I've heard of Shia LaBeouf, I think. 13:19 My son read it at school, so we had to watch it quite a lot. 13:22 Anyway, carry on. 13:23 So... 13:25 Yeah, the closest I'd been to Rain is I went to see Spider-Man Brand New Day on the film thing, and I went 4XD 3D. 13:34 Jesus, what does that mean, 4XD 3D? 13:36 It means I wore a very big jumper. 13:40 No. Extra gemurve. Listen to this chair. 13:44 I think it's, is it my own one? Oh, is it yours? Perhaps it was my spine. 13:49 Is that what that is, 4X3D, that chair? 13:51 No. Does the chair move? The chair moves about. You are rattled around and water comes down on you. No. There's smoke. 14:01 No, thank you. 14:01 And also, there's a bit where ninjas are winging these Kung Fu stars at Spider-Man and there's little things in the back of your seat that just whiz past your ear so you can whew, whew, whew, just get out. 14:13 I thought they'd hired like some of the cinema stuff to be ninjas sort of running around. I wish they had done that. 14:18 I don't like the sound of any of that. 14:20 Imagine Doris the cleaner saying I don't know if I can wield a kung fu star. 14:27 No, it was great. I felt like I'd been in the hands of ruffians when I left there. 14:34 Yeah. 14:35 You know when men my age get roughed up by hooded youths? It felt like that. 14:39 But a comfy version of that. 14:40 Yeah, exactly. And it's brilliant. It's the best film I've ever seen in my entire life. 14:44 Really? Hang on, wait. 14:47 Yeah. 14:48 What? Your entire life? 14:50 Yeah. And that's when I say entire life. You've got to imagine an entire day with about nine eyes in it. Such a long time. Yeah, it is. It's obvious you've never seen Holes. 15:01 No, I've never seen Holes. 15:03 Not for a long time. 15:04 Oh, Jesus. 15:05 Oh, that could have been a question of me rising from poverty. 15:08 That's true. 15:09 Yeah. 15:09 That's true. 15:10 Never seen holes in my clothing. That's true. 15:11 Brian, get your mind out of the government. 15:13 I can't. It's something I can't do. 15:15 Unless I was one of those people who wear those ripped jeans to, you know, that sort of working class fancy dress that people see peacefully. 15:24 So it was absolutely brilliant. I can't tell you how much I... I lost a bit of popcorn. 15:32 Was it one of the ninjas? Because I was so thrown around. 15:34 Did you like, did you actually like scream, like Yelp and sort of scream and stuff, do you think? 15:38 Well, I was shocked because there was somewhere, it started during the trailers. I thought it would wait till the film. And then the trailer came on and suddenly I was lurched back and I say popcorn went. 15:51 Do they strap you in? 15:52 No, no. 15:52 Like a babysitter. 15:53 I mean, there ought to be an opera age limit on it, to be honest. I mean, I could have fallen to pieces. 16:00 It's quite violent. You really are chocked around. I don't mind the shaking in bits and bobs. What I struggle with is like the water filtration system at a cinema. Yeah, what's that water? What are you thinking, Legionnaire? I just don't think that water is going to be good. 16:15 What's it called? Is it called Legionnaire? Government Water. 16:18 See, it's that way you're worried, isn't it? 16:20 That stagnant water being played. 16:21 Do you know Government Water? That was what Russell Brand described tap water as. Government Water. I don't want any of that Government Water. 16:34 So it was great, it's the best thing. And then I came out, I came out of the cinema. You're gay? Yeah, I'm gay. 16:47 I had no idea. I think they just shook it out. 16:50 They did. 16:52 Out of the closet. 16:53 Tom Holland and shaking it. If you're unsure about your sexuality, get someone to hold you by the shoulders and give you a bloody good shake. 17:02 Spray you with liquid. 17:04 You'll soon find out one way or another. 17:18 No, when I got to Edinburgh, I stepped out of my flat for the first time to have a look around. And there was a guy, I guess he was about, I don't know, early 20s, with like a skinhead cot. And as he walked past me, he went, ah! 17:35 Really close to my face. And I thought this is kind of Edinburgh 4XD 3D. It really is. I'd literally been in Edinburgh less than 90 minutes. And it's so close to my face. I felt a bit of that water that you're worried about. 17:54 Yeah, that's one to be concerned about. 17:59 The junkies in Edinburgh are fantastic. 18:01 I'm not saying he was a junkie. 18:03 I didn't meet the guy. 18:05 I would assume he was a junkie. 18:07 I had a t-shirt on that said Auden. 18:11 Auden? 18:12 Well, it's actually a guitar company, but it's also the name of a poet, W.H. Auden. And I was thinking that he might be a Philip Larkin fan. He got a bit tribal. He didn't look the type. 18:28 No, that's really strange. 18:29 No, I had little round glasses on. I mean, that's what he thought. He thought the invasion of starting, I suppose. Oh, the yes. 18:37 Full circles, circular ones. Yeah. Himmler. 18:41 Yeah, less. I was thinking less Himmler, more Doubtfire. 18:45 Himmler, more Doubtfire. That's a new show. Yeah, exactly. 18:50 It's about me coming out. 18:54 You've got to break up in gently. Don't fire is the sort of period when I'm in the pew pay. 19:01 So, yeah, that happened. I mean, did it upset me? It upset me a little bit. I had grocery in my hands as well, you know. What was the shop? 19:12 What were your bits and bobs? 19:14 That's the trouble. I'd just come out of Mark's. 19:16 Yeah. 19:17 I mean, I had all the signs. But now when I look, when I go out into my road, there's more and more festival people. And I think, yeah, soon I'll be shouting at you, mate. But I'll be going, art! 19:29 Yeah. 19:31 That'll put him off. 19:32 Culture! 19:33 Theatre. 19:34 There's a bit, you know, Hunter Square at the top of Blair Street in Edinburgh. throughout the friends there's like street performers there the whole time and i always try and stay for a day after the end of the festival because the sort of homeless community of edinburgh like re-take over hunter square after all the like jugglers leave and it becomes way more entertaining than it has been for the whole month of august yeah i'm just like shouting at each other having arguments philosophical It's so much better. 20:02 Are you sure it's not an Edinburgh International Festival theatre piece? 20:05 No, no, no, no. These people aren't funded by the Arts Council. 20:15 I've got one. My flat is very, very good for just watching people walking about. It looks out onto a big, busy road. And there was a woman parked in the bus lane right by the bus stop. She was still in there. And I wasn't just guessing it was a woman. It was about a cot. Those days are gone. This woman's car was parked there. I'm not allowed to say that anymore. It wasn't any, but yeah, no. 20:47 No. And the bus driver, I mean, I think he could have got around her, but he wasn't going to. So he was really blasting his horn. She wouldn't move. 20:57 And the people at the stop were taking it in turns because they wanted the bus to come to go around. They were really like, I couldn't hear what they were saying, but it looked pretty abusive through a window. And she was really old in her own. But I like that they took it in turns. But why was she there? 21:13 Maybe she'd had like a moment. 21:14 She was picking someone up or something and she wasn't going to move. 21:18 Anyway, so I watched this. I then started to have that. Oh, hold on a minute. Is this street theatre? 21:25 Oh, no. 21:26 Is this Kimmings? 21:28 Oh, no, don't say that. 21:30 Kimmings again. No, that's not me. We've been fooled by Kimmings once again. 21:35 Exactly. Yeah, it's one of those. He's been fooled. 21:39 I promise I would never do that. 21:41 She's pulled the wool over her eyes and called us sex idiots. 21:45 No, I'm fine. I don't want it. I don't want that idea. Thank you. You can give that one to James Taylor. 21:52 Three references to James Taylor. He'll hit this. He'll absolutely hit this. What the thing about it, there's been more references to James Taylor, the agent, than there has to James Taylor, the music legend. Yeah. Who I always mix up with... 22:09 Someone I can't remember. Is it a different James? No, it's another singer who's basically exactly the same person. 22:17 You know what I mean? A singer-songwriter. 22:21 I don't want to besmirch somebody's name by suggesting them for that. 22:24 It's not Bob Dylan, who is the only singer-songwriter. 22:27 Harry Nilsson? 22:28 Is he a singer-songwriter? 22:30 I don't know. 22:31 The more I say singer-songwriter, the more I despise them. 22:36 I wish people wouldn't be singer-songwriters. 22:38 Why? That's so mean. 22:39 Be one or be the other. Peck aside. 22:42 Exactly. 22:43 Peck aside. None of those centrist nonsense. Jack of all trades. 22:47 You think anyone ever said that to James Taylor? In brackets, the musical one. 22:52 Yes. 22:53 Yeah. They might have said it to the agent. I don't know. 22:58 I've always got on with him all right. Well, we met at his birthday. Yeah. 23:01 Yeah. Did we talk, though? 23:03 Yeah, you, with unbelievable speed, told me how much you hate wheelie suitcases. 23:08 Oh, did I? Did you have one? Yeah, I didn't have one. Okay. But somehow it came up so fast. Well, I wonder why that... I must have just had an experience. 23:17 Sorry, I'm just opening a can of beer. It's water. 23:21 Yeah. So, Bryony, how long have you been in there, Tim? 23:26 So I've been here for, oh my God, I've been here for ages, I think. I've got this really annoying thing where I've got a show. I had a show on Sunday and now I've not got one until Saturday. 23:34 Wait, you had a show on Sunday? That's July. 23:36 Yeah, I know. It wasn't even in the festival officially, but it was my preview because I'm at the Traverse, so it's a theater sort of space and everyone has to have, it's brilliant because everyone gets two days of tech and stuff. But I just had the first show. I was gutted. 23:50 So I've just been waiting. Are you technically in the Edinburgh Festival rather than the Fringe? 23:54 No, God, no, no, no. I'm in the Fringe. 23:57 Yeah, the Traverse does, it has a theater. 24:00 Sounds very official festival corporate to me. 24:03 I think they're calling it Travfest. 24:06 Yeah, so it's not Edinburgh Fringe, but I don't know why. 24:09 Loads of travellers to know. Very disappointing. What? 24:15 What do you mean? 24:18 Oh, stop it. No. I'm not talking about travellers with you, sorry. 24:22 Is it a show you've done before? 24:24 Why don't you think that we should speak about them? I think they're a lovely community. 24:27 I'm part of the traveller community. 24:29 Great. 24:30 So let's not get into it. You can't say that. Unless you want to be murdered. 24:37 I don't think you can class as that just because you're in Edinburgh. It's because you've got a train. Just because I'm a touring comedian. I've got the train up, but I'm not going to climb that. 24:46 Okay, what did you ask me? 24:48 We're all travellers in a way. 24:49 I mean, I suppose we're all travellers in a way. We're all a little bit traveller. 24:55 What on Life's Highway? Oh, God. 24:59 But I came from Chester. I came via Chester. 25:03 Via Chester? 25:04 Yes, I did. I had a gig in Chester. Because I've been doing this show for a while. It's not a new show, although I had to edit it down. This is Bog Witch. Bog Witch, yeah. That's what I'm here for, Bog Witch. 25:15 The show, you did the show. Yeah. Then you've had a week to just kick your heels. 25:19 No, I've got my kid with me, haven't I? I've got my Frank with me. My Frank, not you. No. So we've just been, I've got a little Frank, yeah. 25:25 That's so nice. 25:26 Yeah. 25:26 There was a mini Frank. Wasn't that Frank Sidebottom? 25:30 Sidebottom had a smaller Frank, didn't he? Yeah. It wasn't called Mini Frank. 25:33 It wasn't called Mini Frank. It was called Little Frank. Little Frank. 25:36 A little small on his lap. 25:37 Yeah. 25:38 Oh, I thought it was a person. 25:41 Oh, God. 25:41 I might have made that up. 25:43 It was definitely a smaller one. 25:44 Do you know Frank Sidebottom? You're looking confused, Vittorio. Not personally. Do you know who he is? 25:48 Do you know who he is? 25:49 Not really. 25:49 It feels very English. I don't know what's going on. It's not very English. It's Manchester, which I think now is the official capital of Europe. 25:59 LAUGHTER 26:02 You know who he is, though, with the big head. 26:03 Big papi and maché round head. 26:06 I read about this in a John Ronson book. 26:08 Yes, you may well have. 26:09 It was a film. We're so old. 26:11 Oh, we are. 26:11 I read about this in a history book. I worked with him. 26:14 Can you believe it? And he's reading about him in a John Ronson book. He was brilliant. I read about your friends in books where you go, I hope that mime came across. He held an imaginary book and blew its dusty pages. Well, I was on a train with Tony Wilson, Anthony H. Wilson. Do you know who he is, Vittoria? 26:38 He was an important Manchester... Hacienda. There's a film about him as well. Oh, I know of the Hacienda because there's a comedy night called the Lafayenda now. 26:45 Oh, is that what you know about it? 26:47 There used to be a comedy thing in Manchester in Withenshaw, which was hosted by a man called Agra-Man the Human Anagram. Oh, that's nice. But anyway, Tony Wilson said to me, just in the middle of nothing, that Frank Sidebottom was the greatest performance artist of the 20th century. 27:11 Okay, I'll take that. I think that's good. 27:14 You didn't get it? 27:15 No, I'm the 21st century. 27:18 You didn't work in the 20th? 27:19 No, I was a child. I was a teenager. 27:22 There's a comedian doing a show this year at the Edinburgh Finch. She has a big paper mache. Copy. It's a copy. But apparently it's really, really good. Sang fried bottom. Sang fried bottom. 27:35 You can't just... That's not like fashion. You can't just go around and be like, now I'll be the guy with the papier-mâché. 27:41 Well, Frank Sidebottom doesn't own papier-mâché. Papier-mâché? Are we Frenching or are we not Frenching? 27:45 I'm going papier. 27:47 I'll just say papier-mâché. 27:49 Just to be different. 27:50 I don't know. If he died, is it okay to just take that head? I think you can take the mantle. 27:55 But wasn't there that weird film that was called Frank and it had... Yeah, it's about him. But was it about him? 28:00 Yes, it was about him. Frank Sidebottom. Oh, okay, fine. 28:03 Frank died bottom. 28:05 Oh God. 28:06 Okay, listen, I came from Chester because I had a gig on the way. 28:10 Yes. 28:11 And when I was leaving, this is about my week because it was this week. When I was leaving, I get quite confused with how to get home and stuff because I'm neurodivergent. So I couldn't figure out how to get home. 28:24 And I was standing on the road. I must have been standing there for about an hour. Should I go and get a taxi? What should I do? 28:30 And this... this car pulled up next to me, and I just heard, Bogwitch, get in, like that, and I was like, oh no, who's this? And I looked, and it was a Maserati, right, which, you don't see them that often. 28:45 No, they're lesser spotted. 28:47 And it was really, like, beefy, and I was like, I don't think you should get into a car. 28:51 Shia LaBeouf. 28:52 It was a bit Shia LaBeouf. Yeah. Anyway, and then, and it was blacked out, so I was like, I didn't quite know what it was. Wow. I said, um, No, thank you. But obviously they knew who I was because they'd obviously seen the show. 29:03 Or they'd just got Bogwitch vibes off you. 29:05 I might have been wearing a t-shirt that said Bogwitch. Sometimes I do wear the t-shirt branding. Anyway, so I was like, who is it? And the window went down of the passenger side and there was an 80-year-old woman in the passenger seat with really blue rinsy hair. And I looked in and there was another 80-year-old woman, I'd say, driving and And then the back window came down and there was two more 80-year-old women. So I was like, this is fine. 29:31 Oh, it's a Maserati Quattroporte. 29:34 That's the only four-door Maserati. 29:36 Yes. What? You're like a petrolhead. No. Okay. So I'm like, this is safe. He could be lying because we're not going on. Who cares? Is this safe? Yeah. 29:46 Was it safe? 29:48 Yeah. So I got in in the middle at the back. 29:52 You were using them like airbags. 29:55 Yeah, I just squashed it in. 29:58 I'll be safe in here. 30:00 Then they all started talking to me at once. None of them sort of went, oh, I'll wait for the other one to stop talking. You know, like someone starts and then we'll sort of... A lot of cross talk. It was just relentless talking. They dropped me at my hotel and that was it. 30:13 Is this another Kim Ings installation? No, it was just insane. We've been fooled, Frank. 30:17 One of them asked me if I had a cat, right? Do you like cats? And the whole show that they'd just watched, it was pretty much all about my cat. And then the other one said, would you say that you were an environment? And I think what they were trying to say is, are you an environmentalist? But they just kept saying, do you think you're an environment? And I was just thinking, what is going on? It was nuts. They were, apart from the driver, all of them were so drunk. They were having like the best time. They dropped me off and then I sort of like just spun out the other end and was just, all right. 30:51 And then they zoomed off again. 30:53 That's a, I think that's a terrible prelude to the Edinburgh Fringe because you've just been picked up in a Maserati after your show and driven home by like sort of a gaggle of 80 year old women. And now at the Edinburgh Fringe you're going to be kicked out by a bad clown at the end of every show. Not to get the boss up. 31:08 Someone's going to shake, shake a bucket at me and I'll have to take a hundred flyers before I get home. It was insane. It was amazing. Wow. 31:14 See, if I got into that car I'd be anticipating a sex fest at my age. Oh my God, it'd be like being Hugh Hefner. 31:23 Yeah, but if Hugh Hefner had gone for his own age group for a change. 31:27 That would be very wholesome if there was sort of a new Hugh Hefner. 31:29 Do you think Hugh Hefner ever thought, you know what, I might try some people my own age. Sort of a Bacchanal of pensioners. Yeah. 31:36 Is that the collective noun? A Bacchanal is sort of a big sex party. I know what a Bacchanal is. 31:42 We both know what that is. We both know what that is. Thank you. 31:44 All right, mate, don't let the accent fool you. 31:48 I would never judge someone by my accent lest they do it to me. 31:53 Well, that is... 31:54 It was wild. And I thought, I'm really, I'm really desperate to make sure that that's my life when I'm 80. 32:00 But had they seen your show? 32:05 Wait, was one of the 80-year-olds a driver? Yeah. Okay, I thought they had a chauffeur. 32:09 No, it was another 80-year-old driving. They were just going wide. They'd been to see my show, then they'd gone to Weatherspoons. 32:14 Oh, they had been, okay. 32:15 They got hammered, and they picked me up after they'd gone back to the pub, because I'd been outside for so long trying to find... Was the driver lady steaming? No, of course she wasn't. 32:24 She said that. Did you stop listening halfway through this story? I got overwhelmed by all of it. It's a lot. 32:31 I know. And that sort of thing never happens to me. So I was like, oh, that's a good thing to tell. 32:35 I don't think that sort of thing never happens to me. I wouldn't say that as hard to believe, but that sort of thing never happens to me. Four old ladies in a Maserati. 32:44 You didn't find a fiver on the street. 32:46 Yeah, exactly. 32:49 Yeah, true. 32:51 Wow, it sounds like the opening to a gag, doesn't it? There's four old ladies in a Maserati. 32:57 Oh, man. That's great, though. Nothing that exciting. 33:06 I did see... I saw a woman on a bicycle... I don't know, do you ever see things and think, I wish, I've been so little in my life and I've never been the person I really want to be. Why? I saw someone on a bike and she was riding one-handed with a surfboard under her other arm. And I thought, I once had bicycle lessons and I stopped going when the man said, next week we're going on the road. 33:37 I didn't go anymore. You didn't go for your proficiency test. I didn't fancy that. And also, I can only swim in my depths. 33:45 And this was a woman on a bike, one-handed with a surfboard. All the things I can't do. All of your dreams. 33:51 The practicality of that is off. 33:53 how like she would easily stack on that i think you'd fall surfboard or bodyboard no it looked like a proper it was where was she going in scotland see well she was this was in edinburgh i don't know where she must have been a prop portobello oh do you think you've been fooled again she'll be stopped 34:15 Yeah. 34:17 It's actually a prop. 34:19 Beach Boys Witch. Brad, he gets a script out of her pocket and goes, see? Surfboard, come on. Honestly, Kimmons is everywhere. 34:26 I just can't trust reality anymore. 34:29 Yeah, it's true. Me and my performance art. 34:31 You are an environment. 34:32 I am an environment. You're in my environment now. 34:36 Yeah, it's true. I thought you were in mine, but I feel... I've never felt smaller. Yeah. 34:43 I've never felt more like a surfboard under an arm. 34:47 Oh, imagine being that cool. An uncle of mine used to... I don't think that's cool. 34:54 Oh, I thought it was cool. 34:56 Was she hot? 34:57 No. I mean, sorry. That's so definite. I mean, obviously I didn't even look. I was looking at the surfboard. Too busy looking at her surfboard. 35:03 The surfboard was gorgeous. 35:06 I do get, as I get older, I do find I'm looking at people's dogs, even like very attractive women. If they've got a dog, I just look at the dog. 35:13 Because you feel awkward or because you just like dogs? 35:15 No, because I like dogs more than I like attractive women nowadays. They've hurt me so many times in the past. 35:23 I'll come to think of it sort of dogs. 35:27 Anyway, I think we'll end this one now. It's been exactly what I thought it would be, three strangers talking. 35:32 On a train. 35:33 Three strangers on a train. 35:35 Yeah. Okay. But we'll be back next week. Thanks, guys. 35:39 Thank you. Thank you. 35:42 It's the Frank Skinner podcast. 35:46 A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. 35:54 I'm not totally sure how it's going. 35:58 Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast